L****o
发帖数: 1642 | 1 Into the ocean
At the end of this river, waves will return.
At the waves' top, a seagull.
Slowly the seagull disappears in the blue.
Into the white foam goes time's clue.
Into the ocean's heart goes the river's dart.
In the ocean's heart, no perfection no fault.
In a fish's eyes come the moons and the tides.
The only thing he remembers, the taste of salt.
Nothing can tighten his heart's string
except the time's end.
(2015.3) |
n*****r
发帖数: 2125 | |
l**********r
发帖数: 1325 | 3 不错，读起来有世间万物一起堕入时间的浪潮卷入永恒的感觉。
可是，为啥非要确认这条鱼的性别。
【在 L****o 的大作中提到】
: Into the ocean
: At the end of this river, waves will return.
: At the waves' top, a seagull.
: Slowly the seagull disappears in the blue.
: Into the white foam goes time's clue.
: Into the ocean's heart goes the river's dart.
: In the ocean's heart, no perfection no fault.
: In a fish's eyes come the moons and the tides.
: The only thing he remembers, the taste of salt.
: Nothing can tighten his heart's string
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s**t
发帖数: 17016 | 4 赞美，写得大气而又沉静。
【在 L****o 的大作中提到】
: Into the ocean
: At the end of this river, waves will return.
: At the waves' top, a seagull.
: Slowly the seagull disappears in the blue.
: Into the white foam goes time's clue.
: Into the ocean's heart goes the river's dart.
: In the ocean's heart, no perfection no fault.
: In a fish's eyes come the moons and the tides.
: The only thing he remembers, the taste of salt.
: Nothing can tighten his heart's string
|
S*******t
发帖数: 3956 | |
L****o
发帖数: 1642 | 6 把he和his改成it和its了，你说得对，没必要确认鱼的性别，那样反而会给某些读者造
成疏离感。写的时候也考虑过这个，最终选则了从作者自身的角度出发。
【在 l**********r 的大作中提到】
: 不错，读起来有世间万物一起堕入时间的浪潮卷入永恒的感觉。
: 可是，为啥非要确认这条鱼的性别。
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L****o
发帖数: 1642 | 7 以前写过两三个短的，你可能还读过，贴在下面，看有没有印象。
《Homesick》
Maybe I should just turn my hairs
into the branches of a willow.
When I become homesick,
I could let their flowers fly home.
But dear moonlight, I don't know you,
why do you invade my room?
《乡思》
且把头上丝，
散作杨柳枝。
游子怀归日，
飘絮飞回时。
月光不相识，
何事入我室？
《My Ithaca》
Where is my Ithaca?
Half a world away, a small town
deep in the hill country.
When I was little, I often dreamt
that one day I would leave it,
and go far far away.
We won't owe each other anything.
After I grew up, I really did.
I have been in an escape since.
However, the farther I go,
the deeper I am in its debt.
Where is my Ithaca?
Half a world away,
ten years remote.
【在 S*******t 的大作中提到】
: 很赞！你第一次写英文诗吗？
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S*******t
发帖数: 3956 | 8 我倒喜欢用拟人的，it 反而有疏离感
【在 L****o 的大作中提到】
: 把he和his改成it和its了，你说得对，没必要确认鱼的性别，那样反而会给某些读者造
: 成疏离感。写的时候也考虑过这个，最终选则了从作者自身的角度出发。
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S*******t
发帖数: 3956 | 9 乡思的中文我记得，英文没见过好像。挺好。
I could let their flowers fly home. 这句我觉得可以把主语从 I 换成 flowers.
【在 L****o 的大作中提到】
: 以前写过两三个短的，你可能还读过，贴在下面，看有没有印象。
: 《Homesick》
: Maybe I should just turn my hairs
: into the branches of a willow.
: When I become homesick,
: I could let their flowers fly home.
: But dear moonlight, I don't know you,
: why do you invade my room?
: 《乡思》
: 且把头上丝，
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L****o
发帖数: 1642 | 10 看来还得继续斟酌，也许非拟人的代词会让更多人有疏离感。
【在 S*******t 的大作中提到】
: 我倒喜欢用拟人的，it 反而有疏离感
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L****o
发帖数: 1642 | 11 改成their flowers will fly home 如何？ 好像至少语感更好。
【在 S*******t 的大作中提到】
: 乡思的中文我记得，英文没见过好像。挺好。
: I could let their flowers fly home. 这句我觉得可以把主语从 I 换成 flowers.
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S*******t
发帖数: 3956 | 12 我觉得比原来好些。could fly home?
还有第一句，Should I turn my hairs 如何？
【在 L****o 的大作中提到】
: 改成their flowers will fly home 如何？ 好像至少语感更好。
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S*******t
发帖数: 3956 | 13 另外这首的最后一句是不是应该是 except for?
【在 L****o 的大作中提到】
: Into the ocean
: At the end of this river, waves will return.
: At the waves' top, a seagull.
: Slowly the seagull disappears in the blue.
: Into the white foam goes time's clue.
: Into the ocean's heart goes the river's dart.
: In the ocean's heart, no perfection no fault.
: In a fish's eyes come the moons and the tides.
: The only thing he remembers, the taste of salt.
: Nothing can tighten his heart's string
|
L****o
发帖数: 1642 | 14 《Homesick》
Should I turn my hairs
into the branches of a willow?
When I become homesick,
their flowers could fly home.
But dear moonlight, I don't know you,
why do you invade my room?
这样更简洁。
【在 S*******t 的大作中提到】
: 我觉得比原来好些。could fly home?
: 还有第一句，Should I turn my hairs 如何？
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L****o
发帖数: 1642 | 15 应该是 except for，改了。
【在 S*******t 的大作中提到】
: 另外这首的最后一句是不是应该是 except for?
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S*******t
发帖数: 3956 | 16 是，我觉得 become homesick 可能也要改改，感觉好像一般不这么说
这首我最喜欢的是 invade 这个词
【在 L****o 的大作中提到】
: 应该是 except for，改了。
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w*a
发帖数: 2138 | 17 让我想起泥鳅儿写的月光诗。
【在 S*******t 的大作中提到】
: 是，我觉得 become homesick 可能也要改改，感觉好像一般不这么说
: 这首我最喜欢的是 invade 这个词
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L****o
发帖数: 1642 | 18 一般说 fell homesick 吧。
invade 类似于古诗里远芳侵古道的侵。
【在 S*******t 的大作中提到】
: 是，我觉得 become homesick 可能也要改改，感觉好像一般不这么说
: 这首我最喜欢的是 invade 这个词
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